I Was A Pregnant Addict. My Son Wasn’t The Problem. He Was The Answer.

Written by Susana Khai 

I remember that for the last couple of weeks, something felt different. My body felt bloated and my moods did too. I had been pregnant before, so I knew that feeling and I got suspicious. As I walked out of the bathroom with my pregnancy test, I just knew.

I had been battling a heroin addiction for about 2 years. The fact that I was afraid to bring another child into this world was an understatement. I had done this before when I was 14 when I had a beautiful little girl that I gave up for adoption. I had my son Gage at 16. This would be the third child that I brought into this world under not so favorable circumstances.

Now my current situation felt even more bleak, I’m 19, but I still haven’t grown much emotionally or mentally. You see, addiction didn’t allow me to grow. In fact, I’m sure its goal was to destroy me and halt growth at any cost.

I felt like I had no idea what I was going to do. I was scared. My boyfriend’s family at the time were suspicious of us – we were back and forth using heroin and lying about most of the time. We were always considering how we could cover up our drug use. We were not good at it for long – eventually everyone would figure it out.

I realized that I couldn’t stay clean. I couldn’t keep my hands off of doing drugs at that point. Luckily, this was before the onslaught of fentanyl laced heroin that’s become all too common today. I feel that if I would have still been using in 2016 up until now in 2019, I would certainly be not be here. 

After discussion and weighing my decision with my boyfriend, we decided that we would go to the methadone clinic. I had never been prescribed methadone before. I knew that I needed to get on medication assisted treatment to prevent a miscarriage from happening. I did not want to cause harm to this child. 

I was grateful to realize even at that point, that the baby wasn’t the problem – the addiction was the problem. 

The thought of my son being born with withdrawals scared me. Luckily, my son showed no real withdrawal symptoms. I was grateful, because I know it doesn’t end up that way for some babies who have to be slowly weaned. Even after I had my son and continued on the methadone program, my life wasn’t perfect. I had a lot of struggles due to addiction. But I will never regret getting help for my addiction and choosing life for my child – who is 11 years old today. 

If you are addicted to drugs and have found yourself pregnant, please know that getting rid of your baby is not the answer. In fact, the aftermath of an abortion could be the next trauma that you add to the list of ones you are already trying to escape from with drug use.

I have brought three children into this world under irresponsible circumstances. I have made a lot of decisions that weren’t ideal. Some people face these decisions every day and truly believe that it’s the end of the line for them and there’s no way out but abortion. Compounding on the issue, parents and loved ones push and give advice to terminate as well.  

I frequently speak with women who are devastated over their abortions and wish they could take it back. Sometimes, this realization and regret do not surface until they are in their 50’s – 60’s. I try to always be there for them to talk to and what I hear breaks my heart. One of my friends told me how she thinks about the person she killed and wonders who they would have become. My heart breaks for post-abortive women and the struggles they face and I wish them healing. 

Today I am 3 months away to accomplishing 4 years in recovery from all drugs, including methadone. I spent over a decade of my life battling addiction to opioids and methamphetamine. I owe my life to Christ who set me free from addiction. He redeemed my life through His Grace and the life of my son. 

If you are addicted to drugs -there are people who are ready and willing to help you get healthy so that you can be a mother to your baby. No matter what anyone says, any other option (even adoption) is better than taking the life of your unborn child.

Remember, there is no coming back after abortion. It is a final decision – except for the miniscule percentage of people who have survived. Although they survive, they are left missing limbs and other permanent damage to their body. 

When you’re pregnant and addicted to drugs, it feels like your world is collapsing. Addiction is bad. It’s a progressive disease for which you need treatment. It is a shame for your son or daughter to have to pay the price. I know that not every situation is easy, and some women have zero support and no help. If that’s you reading this, I strongly urge you to get in contact with pro-life organizations or ministries in your area. You could even contact this blog. 

Much of the mainstream media paints the pro-life crowd like crazed zealots who are only focused on saving the baby and give little to no help to mothers. Please know that this is a blatant lie. 

There are plenty of pro-life organizations that are ready and willing to help you, but you have to reach out and open up about your situation. No matter what society tells you, killing your child is not normal and it’s not natural. 

Interestingly enough, I was also targeted in the womb when my mother was told to abort me. She was in medical school and she was told that she wouldn’t be able to finish her schooling with a baby. My mother kept me and she proved them wrong.

Imagine if we could see the face of every aborted child and who they would have been if they had not been aborted. There would be countless faces of all races with different variations of hair colors, eye colors, face shapes, and statures.Each person is a unique being and no two humans are alike. Yet, these souls never got a chance to experience life. I urge you today to choose life and reach for help. No matter what your situation is, killing your child is not the answer.